Proverbs 3:1-5

Dear friend, whoever you are...I am sure I wish I had a plan like you do. I wish I was in college and meeting people, as I focus on my career of choice and leading of my Heavenly Father. I am sure I wish I was as qualified as you. I wish I could tell you exactly what I was doing with my life right now. Because, "I want to be a wife and a mother" seem too delusional for someone my age and in my position. In fact, at this point in my life it's too painful to mention. It's too painful to think of my earthly Prince Charming because I would be lying if I said I thought he existed. Yes, I know I have an eternal bridegroom. And at present time I am eagerly seeking Him first, letting Him rule over my heart. And I know He is sure to grant the desires of my heart, and He is sure to change them according to His wonderful perfect will. I know my Heavenly Prince, Jesus Christ, has saved me, but today I feel as if I am still locked away in that grey and gruesome tower...looking out my window wondering if there really is a future...and if I really am a Princess or just a prettied-up wench who is asking for too much. I am that nobody who gets so easily ensnared while others are moving forward. I apologize if I'm depressing you...I hope you believe me when I say that I do know how blessed I am. I am fighting to hang on to the eternal hope that I have been given through the death and resurrection of my Savior.

Last night, at my 'sending off' we prayed about my trip to India.-Following that event I got an email about yet another delay from my visa. Maybe no India after all, Lord? How could this be so? So I go on Google and make innumerable internet searches to find an answer to my situation. Scrounging for an answer as my heart cries out, "WHAT'S GOING ON?!?" "DO I REALLY EVEN HAVE A PURPOSE BESIDES JUST BEING A PATHETIC, DEPENDENT, SELFISH, HOPELESS, DELUSIONAL LITTLE GIRL?"

I know God says "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness."(2 Peter 1:3). The Lord has equipped you, has equipped me to live this life for Him-to be a light to the world. To be an image of the invisible God, Who is loving, kind, and desires to draw near to each individual. He desires to be made known to each human being. That void that you might feel, whatever you want to call it: "Purpose, love, acceptance, joy, peace, hope, understanding, wisdom,truth..."- can be found in God alone. Everything else, I am learning, will just be a cheap counterfeit in comparison, no matter how truly great it might be. Even, at best, if it is good, nothing under Heaven lasts. It all perishes like the grass of the fields.

I know that what matters most in this life that I have been given is to live according to His word, His will, that stands firm to the very end. But I'm just so confused that I'm paralyzed-I can't move because I don't know what to look for or where to go. I can say that I go to Scripture and prayer, and I do. His word is sealed on my heart as I type this. I am sure in His goodness and leading....but don't you ever feel like what you take as His leading is a giant misstep?-And is this it? We know the Lord gives us choices, and choices are based on what we believe. We know that God is not the spirit of confusion, and we know that moving forward is indeed necessary. But where? Where to move forward?

I'm sorry, dear Reader, this is not a post based specifically on God's word. It does not have any devotional uplifting phrases in here. I don't expect you to worry about my life, or even care about these minute details. Regardless, I wish you encouragement, I wish you conviction, I wish the Lord's presence and leading to be with you. I wish you to know, brother, that if you know Christ, you are indeed a prince of the Heavenly Kingdom, and, if you, dear sister, know Christ, that you are a princess of that same place. I hope you know that your value is eternal, I hope you know that you are irreplaceable and cherished by the Most High. I will not pray that you don't go through struggles and confusion; because you will.- Sorry. But I hope you don't go so far as to stay up late in the night so anxious that you forget that you can come before the Lord, and that He hears you. That He cares. He loves you enough to, if your heart is on the altar of someone or something else, be faithful in letting you be utterly destroyed for the sake of building you up for the sake of becoming who  He created you to be.  I say this is indeed my very same ordeal-and praise God! Now, I'm not saying He intentionally harms us for His good (as if He could have selfish motives) but rather, harm comes as a consequence of our choices, our actions, that are based on whatever bad we believe. This could also be called sin, and while Christ frees us from sin, consequences are just something we face, regardless. Think of it like gravity-inevitable. I won't go too much into theology, because honestly I just might mess you up. And you'd be bored. Please forgive me if you get any misinterpretation, misunderstanding. I do not claim, by any means, to be wise. I do not claim these as God's words-but I know that He can use them.

I am jobless, career-less, visa-less, and I'm not getting any younger. I'm not strikingly beautiful, not academically wonderful, athletically impressive, theologically well-endowed, specially trained in homemaking, supremely intelligent and not particularly musical with any instrument. In fact, I'm not specially trained in anything, or socially well acquainted with others. I don't stand out in any way. These are my facts-this is my resume.

What do I have left to offer? I belong to Christ. I am a princess of the Eternal Kingdom. From an earthly standpoint, there's definitely nothing special. But He who called me will indeed do His good work as He pleases, as I sit here at the computer desk right now just as confused but slightly relieved than when I started. I don't have to be something special or perfect-God is. I'm called simply to glorify Him alone.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."