Anorexia

Recently I had yet another discussion with my sister about eating disorders. My mother, my sister and I have been involved in that battle. Mine lasted most of my childhood/teen life; five years that  I will never get back, five years that I wasted. I know that it's described as this big dramatic thing that is totally obvious and detrimental; and don't get me wrong, it is. In all aspects and at all points it is. If you were to go to dictionary.com and type in the word 'anorexia', here is the general definition you will find: "loss of appetite and inability to eat." In my battle against the flesh, literally, it all started with believing a white lie. It started in self loathing, and holding on to that, breed selfish ambition. And there the floodgates of true ugliness poured out. I denied my appetite of food for the sake of a deeper one: the insatiable need and desire for love and acceptance and peace; incarnated in size zero pants and ribs you could count from top to bottom. This appetite I could never deny; it was (and is) embedded into the very fibers of my being, the very grain of who I am. In this every human, in one way or another, can relate. But with this appetite and that little white lie, turned to almost be the death of me. I am afraid is has become the death of so many others; ironically it so easily consumes the very soul.

Still now I struggle with anorexia-not physically,no,  not in the way of the mental state of choosing to starve yourself for a smaller body. No, I can so easily lose my appetite for what is true and good. I lose my appetite, my motivation, to live for my Savior Jesus Christ, in light of something else. I, like Israel, exchange the truth of God for a lie. I have an inability to ingest the truth because I do not in the quietness of my soul acknowledge Christ; my new life in Him, His love an His goodness.  I surround myself with noise because it's easier than thinking. I lean on my own understanding. I become god of self.

Matthew 5:6 says this, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. "

John 3: 6-5 says, "Then Jesus declared, 'I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me with never be thirsty."

There are countless verses of Scripture that talk about the hunger for righteousness and truth and goodness, but what it all comes down to is Christ. I have found, I am still finding, that most of the time, I have to develop a taste for what is good, what is best, in light of the Truth; sacrificing other appetites in exchange for the one that resonates with all that I am, and indeed, gives life. For one that calls me to walk by the Spirit; to seek first His kingdom.  The one that calls me to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him, in light of what He has done for me. To know Christ in all things and in all things to make Christ known.

God only knows the countless times I just sit and evaluate all my problems, all that is wrong with me and the world. Most of what I do, and have done, is based in light of the standards of others or myself; of the world, heck, reader, of what you think of me. I have an appetite to get 'a lot' of likes on my facebook. I have an appetite to be socially acceptable, to have a group of people who are proud of me. I have an appetite to be attractive to everyone in every way. I have an appetite to blame others for my problems, to blame myself, but as a whole still not combating them. I have an appetite for success and beauty. I have an appetite to be good on my own and in this way follow God; instead of simple obedience in meditation of His word and trust of this Wonderful Person. In turn I lose my appetite, my longing, and in turn, my ambition, for God and God alone. I lose my appetite to, in light of God's wondrous love, to love others sincerely in truth and boldness and in the passionate way that He has made me to be. Sometimes I lay in bed at night dreaming of inspiring and encouraging others and the idea of hearts softening as we as humans relate to one another; can come before one another, broken as we are, and change and grow and struggle together. Tears stream down my face at such a possibility; and that's just it! It is possible!

Dear Reader, you are valued and cherished and loved. Regardless of your issues or your successes, may you bring it all; lay it down at the foot of the cross. In light of Christ, in every facet of your life I pray you draw near to Him. Ever holding on the truth, in the midst of whatever season, in whatever feeling or circumstance or idea.  Dear Reader, I do not personally know your life, your situation, your ambition. And God forgive me when I have led others astray in my own pride and hypocrisy. I pray you hunger and thirst for righteousness and that these you would find the real Treasure.



God bless you.